Everybody says that Everybody, has experienced ups and downs in life. And I am Somebody from the Everybody, experiencing the ups and downs that my mind creates for me.
This illusion of a Roller Coaster that I am always afraid of, makes my stomach churn with anxiety. The ups are always exciting, the pause on the top is always very small and the Downfall is the part where a fear creeps in and overpowers my joy!
And then, everything becomes still.
Except my Heartbeat.
The last 15 days have been the same.The fight between my Right and Wrong was intense when I was in the quest of going up. I had my Psychology board Exam. Somewhere in my mind I knew that I had memorised all the concepts but somewhere there was a feeling that I should study everything again. I followed my feelings and worked hard and now I know that my Psychology paper was proud of me on the 24th.
The excitement of reaching the top was still building up; I was not yet satisfied with the height I had reached. I am never satisfied.
Then came the period of arranging our second event, Mukammal. The preparation and the work were being managed on a great scale! We were all pumped up, all ready to be motivated and motivate the people.
The event on the 2nd of May was a great success emotionally! However, statistically we did not show such a huge growth!
But I know that we created a family that day, where we heard laughs, appreciations and stories. We felt what the speaker was feeling. We cried together, We took a stand to do something for those people who were suffering. The event was so much more than just poetry; it was recognition to each and everyone’s emotions and a celebration of our being.
That was the point of my pause.
My height, My Satisfaction.
And zooooooom! The Roller Coaster starts going down.
At first there was a little bit of thrill but Oh No No!
I wish I could have stopped the coaster. I wish I had not just wasted my time in contemplation and procrastination. I wish I had enjoyed those lows and that ride. But No, I was afraid. Afraid of stopping, afraid of ‘Nothing’.
There was an unsettling feeling all the time like a forest fire. One thought igniting other, and that in turn ignites yet another; Burning me down, burning the dense green forest of my emotions.
I water my fire with rational thoughts and motivating quotes, but that is just like giving 10 Rs to a beggar and assuring him your help, it is just like a husband telling his wife that he loves her every day, and then raping her every night.
It was useless, meaningless.
I was looking for peace, looking for a stop, looking for a pause around me! I wanted somebody to just stop this Roller Coaster. It was making me sick, making my head and stomach churn. With time, it came to a still. And what was left was the realisation of everything that had happened. I looked for every possible escape, tried everything.
But I forgot one thing, I forgot looking within and nurturing the fear and listening to what it had to say. I was just in a rush to overcome it, but not understand it.
I realised that my fear was ‘Stopping’, literally. Stopping to excel or do something. I was just in a Roller Coaster not allowing myself to take a break. I feared that if I were to stop, I’ll stop forever.
But, you have to nurture yourself. Nurture the bud that you are, you can’t know everything and understand everything.
Why do you have to fear the uncertainty rather than enjoying the beautiful mystery of it is?
Why are you stopping life to surprise you?
Just, LET IT BE .