Drinking warm water and coughing in between the smiles, I look outside my window and observe the rains cleansing the city. Moreover, the sound of the lightening and the way it illuminates everything, for a second, tempts me to go downstairs and have a walk with a kadak chai as my companion. But neither can I go outside and nor can I drink tea. But, for a change I don’t get frustrated knowing this.
I still feel a lump in my throat and a heaviness in my head but at the same time I feel a rush in my veins and a want to do something. This situation proves to be very conflicting! But I have learnt giving importance to the IMPORTANT BUT ‘NOT URGENT’ things now, for example fitness, well-being, relationships, etc after a bittersweet experience of a month.
I am a typical Virgo, a perfectionist who has really high standards for oneself and at the same time who has disciplinary issues and knows how to procrastinate quite well. A girl with a sensitive soul and a hungry heart is a combination that does not really go well which I lately realized.
In a drive to make people happy around me and in a habit of doing everything great but at the last moment because that is when I suddenly get serious I paid no attention on this sensitive soul and hungry heart. Busy trying to do everything great, I was treating myself pathetically. And have you heard of the compounding effect? Of how small habits like skipping meals, not sleeping well, ignoring what the body wants and being careless about oneself results into a major problem later? Well, that is what I experienced.
My body reacted to all those small mistakes and I got ulcers in my stomach which was detected after a month of trial and error as to understand what the problem was. I was deprived of chappatis, milk, spices etc for a long time! I hated having fruits and rice all the time, but I was paying for my mistakes. No medications were working and everything I ate resulted into a pain which was frustrating. I was hungry but was unable to eat. Just like how my heart was hungry but unable to satisfy itself because i was not able to understand the importance of that hunger and what the hunger actually meant.
I had to stop doing everything I was doing including going to college. I can’t sit ideal and I was COMPELLED to sit ideal! But it did make me more patient. I understood that I had to nurture myself better. I started controlling, working on my diet, writing in a try to motivate myself. I was realizing my mistakes in that process and I was not guilty of them at all.
Soon when the stomach was recovering and I was feeling better, I got a throat infection which made me even weaker. All the 15-20 day motivation was dumped and I was super frustrated again. I had lost a lot of weight in all of this; I am still ashamed writing what my current weight is. But I had no option but to be patient. We consulted dietitians, tried alternative therapies and did everything to get normal. I slept day long and rested, rested till my thoughts slept and emotions felt silent. I realized about how much badly I treated myself. Not only my body but also my mind which is responsible for my thoughts and my heart which is responsible for my emotions! With all of what I was doing, I was never happy. But that rice made especially by my grandmother and that warm lap of my mother when I was not able to sleep at night did make me feel happy.
I was running behind performing so that people around me would appreciate and accept the magic I am because I was a staunch disbeliever of the magic I had subconsciously and when the magic was being snatched away by me because of some illness I realized the beauty of it.
I understood the power of mistakes and failures. They are today making me feel so powerful and full of life. I feel proud knowing I was treating my own self as a slave for the past 1 and a half year and I feel so good knowing that now I am treating myself as a princess who is living her dreams. I turned 18 this year but I became a child, I still hide a dark chocolate in my bag and eat one piece a day celebrating my improvement and I still dance when the rain comes and I still live the imaginative fairy tales in my reality.
I am now a staunch believer of working and operating from the reality of WHO YOU ARE. There is just a bridge between being whoever you are and whoever you want to be which is known as ‘nothing’. Because, if you believe you are who you want to be, you are already that in your reality.
Keep living your dreams.