I want to be true to you right now, I simply want to tell you the truth without trying to
be all poetic and creative here. Did I ever tell you that I have always tried to look good around people; to fit myself in and to be accepted in a crowd.
And, I have done that to you too, my diary, because I wanted to be perfect in my eyes. You are just a piece of paper that does not have the capability to judge me or comment upon me, but I still have lied to you, maybe all this while I have lied to myself. But now, I am doing a weird exercise. I am trying to accept my fears and breakdown.
I have lost the confidence inside me. I am pretending to be all positive and happy about things around me. Everyone around me who knows me well, would say that when they think about ‘Manasvi’ they always picture her as a positive girl, someone who finds a bright side to everything. At the same time there are some who think I am fake, that I fake my nature.
And you know what? I guess those people are right! I have faked smiles; I have been who I wasn’t, to fit in.
I once wanted to be a dancer and a choreographer. I always wanted to dance because it is what makes me the happiest. I also wanted to learn philosophy and teach it because I liked talking and motivating people. I was a child who was kept in a shell that made her believe that this world is a magical kingdom, better than Disneyland.
I kept on believing it and just really enjoying my life. There were challenges back then too, a lot of them if I reminisce, but those were never challenges. My stress tolerance and emotional stability was the best as compared to any teenager because, for me, the world was a kind and magical place! Those challenges were never labelled as challenges.
I was very thin back then, but I feel way thinner and weak now. I was an amateur dancer then, but I feel way more under-trained and unskilled now. I was a courageous risk taker then, but I am fearful now.
I was enough back then for myself ,you know? I enjoyed
photography, dancing, painting, writing for myself but now I am never enough for myself or anybody. There is always a scarcity. I have stopped painting because I do not paint like others, I have stopped clicking pictures because there are better photographers than me out there, I have stopped being bold when I write because I do not have a good vocabulary yet. I have stopped being myself and I have stopped loving myself.
Why this ranting suddenly?
I was going through some pictures in my laptop right now. I was seeing how ‘Manasvi’ once loved exploring, creating and believing. I compared that ‘Manasvi’ to this ‘Manasvi’. This ‘Manasvi’ is fearful. She is unwell, untrained, unskilled and un-pretty. She is scared about her future and career options, she has grown dependent on people for joy and she has started doubting her abilities and talents. She wakes up in the middle of the night just to talk to someone and to feel she is in the present and not really lost in her thoughts. She worries about her health all the time. The worst thing is that she has lost her enthusiasm again. Her dreams are yawning somewhere in her heart, waiting to be attended to again.
To be really honest, I am not who I am and who I should be. I feel that the people close to me are moving away from me maybe because they are tired of me. I am searching for the ‘Manasvi’ inside me; I am still digging out the fears and anxiety to get the lively, bubbly and confident ‘Manasvi’ back. I know it’s not a long process. I am aware that this requires just patience with the right attitude and action again.
Nathi Nonsense is going to Nagaland on the 30th of November for
10 days to attend the most exciting festival of all, the Hornbill festival there. There is a lot of sharing and declaring going to happen to you, I want to use these 10 days to test my limits, to be with myself and reflect back and to make the right choices again. I am excited for this beautiful journey within and around me from the 30th .
The write-ups ahead are mostly going to be me sharing and expressing, with giving you a great insight of Nagaland.
Let’s visit this inside and outside journey together.