I AM FED UP!

I do not indulge into fights with other people, so frequently.

But I do not know when I am not fighting.

I am talking metaphorically and not literally.

The constant murmurs inside my head and heart would sound like that irritating insect once it comes near your ear, but those murmurs are silent enough to not be heard by anyone and loud enough to destroy everything. And by everything I mean the present moment.

Those insects, i mean those murmurs suck the joy out of the present moment. I guess that is what they feed on. Maybe that is why they grow bigger and bigger and bigger; also, stronger and stronger and stronger.

I am sure joy tastes amazing.

Those thoughts jump from one to another, they collide inside me, fight with each other and sometimes merge with each other to create a completely different thought, a completely different confusion and a completely different problem. They do not let me sleep. I try putting my hand on my head with a try to catch those thoughts and rub them a comforting hand on their shoulder, but they are fast right? Never does that trick work.

Then i try calling up a friend, speaking it out loud to him to give those thoughts a direction. That friend listens, understands and comforts those thoughts. They do try listening to another party, but my thoughts are just like a girl in our society who just fakes what the elders say. The effect is momentary and meant to give fake pleasures to me. Those thoughts start their roller coaster again.

Then i try the thing all artists recommend doing. I start writing those thoughts down, again to give them a direction.

I write a line saying ‘I am fed up’ I erase it feeling ashamed.

I try again!

I again bribe the thoughts saying that you are now to be released, cooperate with me and come out.

I then write a line saying ‘this reality is something i cannot understand and i want an escape’ I stop their without putting a full stop. With anger boiling in, i delete the note from my phone and sit their feeling angry on those thoughts.

I just did not want to cry like that night again, when I wrote everything and could not stop my tears.

It’s already 3:00 am and i have tried everything but these thoughts are quite stubborn. And then i stand up, find the diary of the year 2014. The diary has the old smell of ink and old pages on them. I open it randomly and read the diary entry. It talks about a happy day and ends with a line that strikes me.

‘The state of mind right now, is in my hands’

The thoughts are pushed to a single direction and i am finally forced to think about this thought. The over thinking is less complicated now! Finally.

I was giving power to those murmurs, those insects. I was giving power to my friend to calm them down. I was giving power to that paper and pen thinking they will be responsible for my peace. I then gave power to my old diary of which I knew I’ll find answers.

After reading this line, I gave power to my mind. I let those thoughts flow, i thought them all but did not give it the power to feed on my joy. I stopped resisting the fact that my thoughts are enjoying a roller coaster without asking me if I am enjoying it or not. I gave the freedom to my thoughts to enjoy the roller coaster.

I finally slept with that thoughts running on loop in form of my dreams.

I just did not care anymore.

~Manasvi Shah

 

PHOTOS BY : MUSAFIR (Dhrupad mehta)                         instagram: @musafir1998

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